Habitually Inconsistent
by Endings Matter Most
Summary: And I don't want it to consume the part of me that belongs with you. axel/roxas; preview for Indelibility


Habitually Inconsistent

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><p><em>axelroxas  
><em>_Endings Matter Most  
><em>disclaimer: I own nothing. Because we all know the ungodly things I would have Axel and Roxas do to each other.  
><strong>AN:** I was just really in the mood to write something noncommittal. I wanted to start in the middle of something, so I chose to just write a small preview for my upcoming full-length AkuRoku fic. _hinthintwinkwinknudgenudge  
><em>**© square enix**

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><p>I sighed quietly. I was sitting up in bed, leaning back against the pillows with my head resting on the headboard of the bed, my eyes glued to the ceiling. Sheets were pooled around my waist but didn't cover my feet.<p>

Axel was resting on my shoulder, his face in the crook of my neck. I could feel the inhale and exhale of air from his nose. The older man smelled good. It was a mixture of sex, cigarettes, and mint. It was nice. Comforting. The red hair tickled my cheek, but I took no notice of it.

Silently, I slipped out from underneath the sleeping man, carefully laying his head on a pillow. He shifted in his sleep, and for a moment I thought he'd woken up, but Axel adjusted himself on the bed and flipped over onto his other side with a contented sigh. The redhead was always an obnoxiously heavy sleeper. I let out a breath of relief and proceeded to find my clothes.

Once fully clothed, I slipped out of the bedroom, trying not to look at the other man because it might make me change my mind. I looked around the apartment. It looked so much cleaner now than it had the first time I ever stepped into the place. Axel didn't like cleaning, even though he loved cleanliness. He was just this huge contradiction in itself. But I had made him change that. We cleaned his entire apartment, and Axel even went out and bought a new chair to "complete the new look," as he put it. _Idiot_.

My stomach growled at me and I tiptoed over to the small kitchen. I opened the fridge and poured myself a glass of milk. When I went to replace the carton, I paused, staring at the fridge. It was no longer full of week-old pizza and beer. Instead, I forced Axel to actually _go_ shopping for real food. I made sure he filled it up with healthy fruit, cheese and meat for sandwiches, a few sodas, and I allowed one case of beer.

Shaking my head, I shut the refrigerator and hurriedly drank my milk.

When I finished my milk I washed the glass out. My mind wandered away from this time, back to when everything was so much simpler. Things had just become too complicated. And painful. Really, really _painful_.

I didn't want this to end. I really did want to stay. But I couldn't do it anymore. This overwhelming _guilt_ I felt was becoming entirely too much for me to handle. Every touch I shared with the redhead… every kiss, every glance, every single _fucking_ moment was making it harder for me to suppress this guilt.

I set the glass aside and collapsed in a chair by the table. I stared at the kitchen. There were way too many memories in this place. In front of the oven, where it all started (and we never did get the smell of _extremely_ burnt cookies out of that thing)… even this table I was sitting at contained a memory with Axel. I rested my hand over the top of it.

There was nothing I could do to stop the overflow of emotion that suddenly went through me. I was miserable and angry, hesitant and decided, blaming everyone else and taking the blame… blaming Axel. _God_, I didn't want to blame him. I didn't want to blame anyone. Not even myself, as much as that would help. I _knew_ it wasn't his fault. I knew it wasn't mine. But who else was I to blame?

I should have just left as soon as I stepped outside the bedroom. But I just _had_ to get something to drink. I think prolonging this was giving me some kind of sick pleasure that accompanied my guilt and my desire to punish myself. But I would hurt Axel more if he woke up. I didn't want to hurt Axel anymore.

But my head fell into my hands and I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from my eyes. I was done crying. That was something I refused to do anymore. I'd cried _far_ too much for the past two months. Everyone told me that it was natural.

"God help me…" I muttered with a bitter laugh.

The bedroom door opened slowly and I stiffened. Axel appeared, rubbing his eyes, his hair messy and sticking in more directions than usual. "Roxas?" he called out sleepily, his voice dragging. "What are you doing?"

I didn't turn to look around to look at him. "I just… couldn't sleep." I replied. It was basically true. I really couldn't sleep. "Just go back to bed. It's okay." I didn't want to tell him I'd come back.

His feet dragged him across the floor and he sat down at the chair beside mine. At least he'd put his pants back on, though still lacked a shirt. I tried to avoid looking directly at him without appearing suspicious. "Nah, it's okay." He told me. "What's wrong? Why can't you sleep?"

I removed my head from hands and shook my head. "Nothing's wrong. I just can't sleep."

His eyebrows creased. "Something is definitely wrong." He took my wrist lightly in an attempt to make me look at him. I wouldn't let it work. "What's up, Rox?"

"I can't sleep."

"_Why_?"

"I just _can't_." I snapped. "Leave it alone. It's just one of those nights."

Axel dropped my wrist and stared at me. I could feel his eyes boring into my head, trying to catch my eye to see the lie that he suspected was there. "Roxas," he took my chin in his hand and pulled my face gently towards him. I averted eye contact, looking down stubbornly. "_Roxas_?" He persisted.

I looked up and _oh shit, oh shit_ I shouldn't have. Those damn eyes. His damn eyes. He stared at me intently. Axel always stared at me like this when he wanted me to know he was serious, and not just being himself. He used this face to make sure that I knew he cared. _I knew_ that he cared. I just didn't want him to anymore. It would make it all easier, and the only person that would get hurt is me.

"What's wrong?" he repeated.

My tongue darted out to lick my lips subconsciously, just like it always did when I got nervous. I stared at him, unable to break the eye contact. So I did the only thing I could since I couldn't speak or look away.

I crashed my lips to his, and I heard him take a surprised breath before adjusting his hand from my chin to the back of my neck. My own hands ran up his body to rest on his chest while his free arm wrapped around my waist to bring me forward to straddle him. I brought my face above his as he let my lips go and trailed kisses down my neck. A breathy moan escaped my lips as I brought my arms to wrap around his neck.

"_Axel_," I gasped as the hand around my waist went to my thigh and pulled me forward to adjust but our hips ground together in a single thrust.

He took my lips back with his own, entwining our tongues. He moaned into my mouth when I began to instinctively drive my hips back into his. I bit down on his lower lip then suddenly pulled back. This had to stop now.

Axel took the opportunity to devour my neck again, his grip on my thigh tightening when I stopped moving.

"Axel…" It wasn't supposed to come out lustful like that. I tried again, "Axel." Better. He continued his assault on my neck, and squeezed my thigh with his fingers. "Axel," I put my hands back on his chest and pushed lightly. "Axel stop."

The redhead stopped, but didn't remove his grip on my thigh, or the hand behind my neck. "Roxy?" he questioned, looking up at me.

"I…" I started, my voice faltering. "We need to stop."

He blinked. "Stop?"

"I just… I…" I made a move to get off his lap, and he let me go reluctantly. "I need time, Axel. I'm confused and just—"

"You're leaving?" he interrupted.

I hesitated then nodded shallowly. "Axel, I'm sorry—"

"_Why_?"

There was that question again.

"Guilt." I said quietly. I almost wish he hadn't heard me. But he did.

"_Guilt_?" he repeated. "Roxas, you have to stop blaming yourself—"

I shook my head, my temper spiking suddenly. "It isn't just about _me_, Axel!" I responded. "I feel guilty for all sorts of things! So many things are wrong right now, and I'm misplacing the blame. So _yes._ _Guilt_."

Axel paused, his mouth parting as if to say something. He didn't.

This had gone to far. It was time to get out of here before I lost all my nerve. "I'm… I've got to go." I stammered.

I stood and walked past him towards the door. I took a deep breath.

Then a chair banged against the floor and before I had time to turn around and see what happened, Axel's arms were around me from behind. He rested his head on my shoulder, lowering his lips to my ear. "_Please_," he whispered to me. "Please don't leave, Roxas."

My eyes began to water again. I blinked the tears away furiously because I had never heard Axel sound so _desperate_.

"Roxas…" his grasp on me tightened to pull me to his chest. I grabbed his arms and held them tightly, my eyes squeezing shut.

His lips fell on my shoulder and scattered butterfly kisses across the area and my neck. He brought them up to my ear and breathed pleas in to my ear, placing light kisses there as well. I leaned my head away from him, trapped in the moment and letting him have full access. _Habits_.

When I pulled his arms away, I could feel him wage a battle in himself for that split moment. He was stronger than me. He could have very well made me stay. But he complied with my touch and his arms fell away from me.

"Axel…" I turned and placed a hand on his cheek. Under different circumstances he would have laughed at me for being so disgustingly sentimental. Hell, I wouldn't have acted like this to _begin_ with. This sentimental bullshit was his thing. But I wanted to give him some kind of assurance. This was the only thing I could think of.

"Don't tell me this is over," he whispered.

I shook my head. "I'm not."

His head fell to break eye contact, but I took his chin in my hand this time. "I'm sorry… I need time." I paused. "I don't want to blame you and I find myself beginning to. Guilt is consuming me. And I don't want it to consume the part of me that belongs with you."

_So, so, so disgustingly sentimental_. God kill me where I stand.

But it's true. It was all true.

I didn't say anything else. I dropped my hand and turned away from him.

Opening the door in that moment… it was probably the heaviest it has ever been.

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><p><strong>AN:** The first chapter will be posted this week. This is just a preview for an event in the fic. It gives absolutely nothing away, though you might want to reference it later in the story. You know... when it's posted. Keep an eye out! _R&R as always!_


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